When You Were Unavailable

The fluttering heart,
The comforting silence.
The stares when l thought you weren’t looking.
The smiles to cover up my discomfort each time you caught me staring.
The secret wishes that you could be more than just a friend, my friend.
Then the brief flash of hurt when you mentioned her.
She is millions of miles away but your heart belongs to her.
Everyone knows about her so you could never be the man l wanted.
Well, not in the sense l wanted.
The part resignation to fate.
The continued wishes that this man who checked some of my boxes could be mine, even just for a day.
That deep desire to be kissed by those pink, soft-looking lips.
The subtle hints.
The more subtle rejections.
Then the final resignation to fate.
You could never be the man l wanted.
Well, not in the sense l wanted.
You said you didn’t want to hurt me.
You said lf you became the man l wanted, l would get emotionally tied to you and then boom! One day, you would leave me for her.
The one who has always been there.
And l would hurt.
You said l should quench the fire l had started.
For it would surely burn me.
Friends we were.
Friends we would remain.
And just after l admitted to myself that you could never be the man l wanted, it happened.
We kissed.
I loved the taste of your lips on mine.
You stirred up emotions, long-buried and forgotten.
We touched.
We were naked.
We were not ashamed.
We explored.
It was slow.
You were gentle.
Then we burst forth in rapturous flames of ecstasy.
First me.
Then you.
Finally, I had got my kiss.
Finally, I got to sleep in your arms.
Just like l always dreamt.
Then “the morning after”…
No, l didn’t feel any pangs of regret.
I didn’t wonder what you were thinking about me either.
“The morning after,” it was all calm.
Waves of shame didn’t wash over me.
We had both given into our passions.
There should be no shame in that, right?
As l lay in your arms the night before, l was afraid dawn would bring with it, huge bags of shame.
Surprisingly, “the morning after” came with a totally unexpected feeling.
I wasn’t sure at first but it kept getting stronger as the morning progressed.
I wanted you so bad and when it happened,
I realized, the morning after, that l liked it better when you were unavailable.
Now, there is only emptiness where my heart used to pine for you.

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