What Happens to a Year like 2016 when it Gets to Heaven?

 

Editor’s Note: Aliogo Chyka killed me with laughter, this piece is hot like fire.

Somewhere in Antarctica.

In a dark room, sitted on the high table is 1800, the oldest of our clan. The only light, even though dim, emanates from 2017.

My name is 2016 and I have not been good all year. I understand that it has been a terrible year for almost everyone, in all years, I might wear the crown for worst ever year. I’m here, amongst the elders; 1950, 1914, 1880 and even 2001 (because he began the 21st century reign), to hear my verdict.

Normally, towards the last days of the year, as tradition, a meeting is called for, like the one I am in now, to assess the year’s performance and decide, whether or not, the year should seat among other years in the hall of fame or be cast out, abandoned and forgotten.

Last year, I had been where 2017 is now, smiling and hopeful as 2015 stood where I was. 2015 had not been granted a seat in the hall of fame, he had among other things, done so much but despite all what he did, everyone knew he didn’t come close to what I did. I overheard 1914 say our generation of years was spoilt and that’s why it seems we keep getting worse.

However, 2012 had been granted a seat in the hall of fame for the stunt he pulled. Despite everyone saying the world will end with him, he slapped us right in the face when he welcomed 2013, who wasn’t happy. Even the elders had to agree that 2012 was smart.

I see 1800 whisper into the ears of 1950 before he takes the Mic and say “2016, you will have to agree with all of us present here that you were one hell of a year, back to back as said by that boy in Nigeria, what’s his name again?”

“Olamide!” bellows 2010.

1800 continues again, his voice void of any emotion, he had had high hopes for me and now see where I was. “….from the insurgencies, to the global economic melt down, to the stupid memes to Donald Trump and even Leicester City winning the EPL, we knew you might be on your way to winning worst year ever. Care to explain why? Make us understand how you took all of us by surprise”, said 1800.

I stood up more erect and looked round. I see 2018 wearing a smirk on his face, 2017 had a look of pity. No one should pity me.

“My Lord, I agree to everything you said, even a blind man would regain his sight if I tried to lie. However, you can’t put all the blame on me. Things don’t just wake up and happen, things are orchestrated by series of events and if you would agree with me, we saw this happening from 2014. It’s just that 2014 had been lucky. Look at 2015, he was bad, very bad, how could I have taken so many problems with me and you expected a miracle to have happened? It’s not fair if you all put the whole blame on me”.

“Oh, please, speak for yourself brother!”, 2018 shouts from the back.

“How is this any of your business? You aren’t even next in line and your voice is the loudest here, wait till it gets to your turn, you’ll be worse!”, I replied 2018 angrily.

2018 was not having any of it and so retorts mockingly “what are you now, T.B Joshua?”

This makes everyone erupts in laughters.

“Silence!” barks 1800.

“My Lord, all I am asking for is that you tamper justice with mercy. There were still a lot of good things that happened here and there and people were still happy. Look at Pokemon Go” I say pleadingly.

I watch as the elders bow their heads and in hushed tones decide my fate. I look at 2017, his dim light getting brighter every passing second. You won’t have it easy brother, but if you get as lucky as 2014, you might make your year work.

“We have reached a conclusion and I’m sorry 2016, but you won’t be entering the hall of fame but we won’t cast you out. We would give you an opportunity to reflect on your sins and probably when Jesus comes, He would have mercy on you”, said 1800 while using his gavel to finalize my sentence.

I heaved a sigh of relief and just as I had planned, I walked to 2017, my steps gaining confidence with each stride and hugged him. Then I stepped back, now facing everyone, I dabbed. Yes, I started something phenomenal after all.

By
Aliogo Chyka

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